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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Time

I wish I could freeze time. Live in a world like the Simpsons or Calvin and Hobbes, where years pass, but nothing moves forward. I love how my children are now. The innocence. The joy. The knowledge that whatever hurts them are things I can still fix. Yes, this time is also hard. I am tired. So tired. My body has learned to cope with inhumanely small amounts of sleep. And it's stressful. I worry about all the choices. Am I making the right one, or am I choosing something that will cause a domino effect and eventually cause them to not be the people they could/should be? It's also an aggravating time. Especially when like tonight, I find that my entire bottle of my favorite body wash has been emptied into my sink. A body wash that has been discontinued. And I see that my toothbrush was thrown in for good measure. But . . .they aren't doing drugs, stealing cars, or getting anyone pregnant. (or getting pregnant)

So I want to freeze this. How we are now. Keep them young and innocent, and where I can keep them safe. Because they grow all too fast and soon they will go out into that world that isn't safe. People will hurt them in ways I can't fix.

2 blogs I read got me thinking about this. One is the mother of breed 'em and weep, talking recently about her daughter hurting in ways that she can't fix anymore. And Angi, whose kids are about the same age as mine, talking about getting rid of baby clothes. A step I am not ready to make yet, so I applaud her for being able to.

You always hear motherhood is hard, but you always think it's about the crying babies and lack of sleep. You don't realize until you become one, that stuff is the easy part. The hard part is that you give life to these little people, you harbor them inside of you, and then give birth, you stay up late at night rocking them, you hold your hand near them as they take their first steps, you kiss them when they get a skinned knee, and you raise them the best you know how, worrying and loving them so much it's almost physically painful at times. And then. . .you have to let them go.

So, if anyone builds a time freezer, let me know. I don't want to stay here forever necessarily. I am excited to see who my kids are going to become. It's just all going too fast. I am not ready yet for them to grow up, and yet time seems to be slipping through my fingers like sand. I just need a little more.

I am tired and I am going to go lay down and cuddle with my baby while she is still a little baby I can cuddle with.

3 comments:

angi said...

I am crying now...
And by the way, my friend never came over & I keep looking at the totes thinking I need to keep more! Don't let my post fool you, I was crying as I wrote it & now am again :)

Lorie said...

I admire you. I read your blog and I'm excited/freaking out about becoming a mother (in the future, some far off time from now as I think I'm still not ready!). I know your children will be a reflection of who you are. How lucky they are! I think, wow, so many! But then I realize, they'll have each other as best friends, and they're so lucky in that regard to have so many siblings to grow up with, learn from, cope with. You're so wonderful and I'm really, truly, amazed by you. I can hardly wait to see how wonderful your kids will be in the future. Rock on!

Michelle said...

(((HUGS))) I am right there with you! I loved this post and know exactly how you feel.