*Tangent before I even begin. . .I sat down to write this post and was interrupted by what sounded like erratic knocking at the door. Then the cat comes down the hallway with something in his mouth. I look and it's a whole stick of bamboo out of the vase in my room. The knocking sound was it hitting the stairs as he ran down them. So I grab it from him, go upstairs and put it back in the vase, with the cat hot on my heels. As soon as I stick it in the vase, he jumps up on the dresser and tries to take it again. Yeah, he got thrown into the hallway after that. And then I noticed that one of the sticks was missing. I came back downstairs and hunted all over, but didn't find it. Then I sat down to write this post *again* and the cat starts playing with something under my chair. Give you three guesses as to what it was, and the first two don't count! Anyways, all bamboo is now safe and accounted for, and the door to the bedroom is now shut. Days are never boring around here.*
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. . .
Today I am struggling with guilt. I know it's a ridiculous guilt, the kind you are supposed to dismiss, but I am having a rough time vanquishing it today. You see, the older two kids have field day at school today. My guilt is from not being there. Theoretically I could have gone, although it would have made my day really hectic. Logan has occupational therapy today. I didn't want to cancel it, as his therapist was out of town last week so he didn't have it, and I didn't want him to have to miss two weeks in a row. So doing both the therapy and the field day stuff would have made the whole day completely crazy, and I am already tired.
I don't know why it is bothering me so much that I am not there. I haven't been to any of Ryan's, and this is his 4th year to have it. Something always comes up it seems. And it never bothered me that much before. Today it's killing me though. Maybe because now there are two of them I am not being there for? I don't know.
I do know I have been struggling a lot lately with not being able to go to very many of their school functions. People think being a stay at home mom, I get to go to everything, but that's not true. Last week there was a Mother's Day function in Ryan's class, and the hubby was able to take some time off that afternoon so I could go. I could see just how much it meant to Ryan that I was there. And it really brought back memories for me. My mom was a single working mom, and so was never at any school functions that happened during the school day. Ever. And I remember wishing she was. I remember being so jealous of the other kids whose moms could come along on the field trips, who could come to every class party, and who were there cheering their child on at field day. I always understood why my mom couldn't be there, but it didn't keep me from wishing she would show up and surprise me every time.
So maybe that's why it bothers me so much. I remember how it felt, and it kills me that my kids might be feeling the same way. I know I can't be in two places at once, but I really wish it didn't feel like I am having to pick one of my children over another.