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Friday, June 29, 2007

How many friends would you have today if you had never lost any? If you had never had a falling out with any of them, and never lost touch with anyone? All the friends from school, summer camps, sororities, even online communities? I think for most of us the numbers would be a little mind boggling.

This post tonight comes from a variety of factors. From me thinking about a group of friends I recently have drifted from, me meeting a new friend, and also reading about a friend getting hurt and losing one of her friends.

I've always been one to only have a small number of friends at any one time. I'd rather have a small group of friends that you can trust with your life, rather than a ton of friends who may or may not be there for you when you need them. Growing up I was always jealous of the popular girls, but that was before I had myself figured out. I think once I start developing a lot of relationships, someone gets neglected. I just can't live with that, so subconciously, I keep the inner circle small. But in that lies a great dilemma for me. As my life enters a new phase, do I fight and keep certain people, or do I let nature take its course?

I remember summer camp as a kid and teenager. I had a group of friends that we were close and would stay up late having very "deep" conversations. At the time, I thought these people would always be in my life. We were going to raise kids together, and grow old together. Out of that group, I have only talked to one of them in the past 5 years. And that was mostly by email. The rest are a bunch of "Whatever happened to?"s in my mind.

On a more recent note, I've changed a lot recently, and I just don't know if I click with certain people any more. But these are also people I really love. So do I keep them out of that love, or as the saying goes "if you love something, let it go. . ."? I'm really kind of stuck on this one.

Who knows, maybe I am just a really crappy friend. Or maybe this is just one of the crappy parts of adulthood. Who knows.


Lacey said...

Mind boggling is right! And you are not a crappy friend, at least in my experience.

I can see exactly where you are coming from though. I tend to find that through the years, I have let fewer and fewer people *in*. Not intentionally but maybe because I am scared of being hurt or maybe my subconscious expectations are too high.

I dunno...

Sometimes, being an adult sucks...it always seemed *easier* back then.

Michelle said...

Hey :) The thing about all of this, and I have learned this through the crappy trials I have been going through lately, is that sometimes changes are good. Sometimes it's exactly what we need to move forward in our lives. You aren't a crappy friend, you are going through some changes and you have to go with that. It would be terrible if we never changed! Sometimes we don't even realize that we need the change until it comes and later we find out how much happier we are! (((HUGS))) Being an adult is hard!