How many friends would you have today if you had never lost any? If you had never had a falling out with any of them, and never lost touch with anyone? All the friends from school, summer camps, sororities, even online communities? I think for most of us the numbers would be a little mind boggling.
This post tonight comes from a variety of factors. From me thinking about a group of friends I recently have drifted from, me meeting a new friend, and also reading about a friend getting hurt and losing one of her friends.
I've always been one to only have a small number of friends at any one time. I'd rather have a small group of friends that you can trust with your life, rather than a ton of friends who may or may not be there for you when you need them. Growing up I was always jealous of the popular girls, but that was before I had myself figured out. I think once I start developing a lot of relationships, someone gets neglected. I just can't live with that, so subconciously, I keep the inner circle small. But in that lies a great dilemma for me. As my life enters a new phase, do I fight and keep certain people, or do I let nature take its course?
I remember summer camp as a kid and teenager. I had a group of friends that we were close and would stay up late having very "deep" conversations. At the time, I thought these people would always be in my life. We were going to raise kids together, and grow old together. Out of that group, I have only talked to one of them in the past 5 years. And that was mostly by email. The rest are a bunch of "Whatever happened to?"s in my mind.
On a more recent note, I've changed a lot recently, and I just don't know if I click with certain people any more. But these are also people I really love. So do I keep them out of that love, or as the saying goes "if you love something, let it go. . ."? I'm really kind of stuck on this one.
Who knows, maybe I am just a really crappy friend. Or maybe this is just one of the crappy parts of adulthood. Who knows.